the bunny warren v. Faith

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Spike, the Sucker, and the Answer to the Universe

Author: Venus Blue
Written: July 19, 2004
Summary: Written for alistra for the Spike/inanimate object ficathon. Spike gets an Easter Basket and an invite. He handles both the way only Spike can do so.
Rating: R, for some naughtiness, and inferred sexual situations, both slash and het
Pairing: Several, including a few surprises
Timeline: This timeline is extremely screwy. Suffice to say imagine Season 5 minus Glory + Clem and Pirates of the Caribbean. Got it? Great.
Disclaimer: I don't own...anything, actually. Except for the plot bunny. No copyright infringement against ::deep breath:: 20th Century Fox, Mutant Enemy, Dum-Dums, Blow Pops, Pirates of the Caribbean, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Harry Potter, or Undead Dentistry.
Distribution: My site. Lists that archive. Possibly if I get really bored. Want it? Ask me. Haven't said no yet.
Author's Note: As always, much love and thanks to my gorgeous Meltha for the beta and the title (long story) and the friendship. Mwah.
Awards: View Award, View 2nd award, View 3rd award, View 4th award

The two girls crept silently through the cemetery, intent on their mission. Concentrating on staying silent and alert, they made their way to their destination. Exchanging looks, they set the package on the doorstep and quickly left the scene.

Moments passed, the only noise an occasional owl or passing car. Still the package sat.

Finally the door opened, and a certain black clad peroxide blond stepped out into the warm spring night.

Reaching into the inside pocket of his duster for his pack of cigarettes, he spotted the object on the ground. Eyebrow cocked in surprise, he lifted the pink basket, and examined the small fuzzy sign attached.

“Happy Easter?” he exclaimed incredulously.


“You’re kidding.”

Willow looked at Buffy with a grin.

“What? Why not? Spike’s been really helpful lately, you know.”

“You gave Spike. A vampire. An Easter basket.”

“Well?” she asked. “We all got candy, why shouldn’t he?”

Shaking her head, Buffy said, “Nothing says Easter spirit like giving a blood sucker a sugar rush.”

Willow stood to throw her coffee cup away, and asked, “Are we going to the Bronze tonight?”

“Can’t. Mom wants me to sit with Dawn while she goes to a show for the gallery.”

“Want me and Tara to come over and keep you company?”

“That’d be great, actually.”

They left the coffee shop and made their way back to campus.

“Wonder if Xander and Anya are busy tonight. Maybe we could make it a group thing.”

“Group babysitting. Dawn will just love it.”

“Xander will be there.”

“I think Dawn’s over him. She’s moved on,” Buffy said with a hint of exasperation in her voice.


“To your Easter Basket recipient.”

Willow burst out laughing, and Buffy glared at her.

“What? That’s just funny.”


When Buffy told Joyce the plan, she seemed fine with it. Dawn was excited, and asked if she could invite a friend.

“I don’t see why not, as long as you both stay in the house all night.”

“Absolutely,” Dawn said with conviction.

Joyce went grocery shopping and picked up snacks and drinks for the gang, and by the time she left, Willow, Tara, and Giles had already arrived. They made themselves comfortable, and Dawn happily plopped down in-between the two Wiccas.

“Dawn, who’d you invite over, anyway?” Buffy asked, setting a large bowl of Chex Mix on the coffee table.

Grabbing a handful of the snack food, she shoved the entirety in her mouth before giving a muffled response.

“What was that?” Buffy asked, a suspicious look on her face. Not chewing, Dawn gave the same response.

Tell me you didn’t.”

“You said I could invite a friend!” Dawn protested, swallowing with difficulty.

“Spike is NOT coming here tonight!”

“Why not? Mom likes him!”

“That is not the-” Buffy started before she was interrupted by a knock at the door.

Marching to it, she yelled, “You are not coming in here!”

Throwing open the door, she was met by Xander and Anya’s surprised faces.

“Okay, but we brought Rice Krispies treats.”

Sighing, she said, “Not you guys. Come on in.”

Anya handed over the large pan of treats and asked, “So, who’s the unwelcome guest?”

“Dawn invited Spike.”



“He’s my friend!” Dawn protested.

“Friend? Dawn, he’s over 100 years older than you!”

“Giles is older!”

“Don’t drag me into this,” Giles called from the kitchen.

“Buffy,” Tara said gently. “I don’t see the harm in letting him come over. It’s not like he can hurt anyone. Besides, we’re all here, too.”

Buffy frowned, but any retort was cut off by another knock.

Racing to beat her sister to the door, Dawn opened it and in a rush of breath to rival Willow said, “HiSpikegoodtoseeyoucomeoninandgetcomfy.”

Staring at her, slightly dumbstruck, Spike handed her a plastic bag and said, “Hello, Niblet. Good to see you, too. Don’t mind if I do.”

Walking into the living room, he sat down in an armchair and said, “How’s the Scooby Crew doing tonight? Big group pow wow?”

“Just hanging out for fun,” Willow replied. “No big bads tonight.”

“Except you, of course,” Tara said, making Spike grin.

“Rice Krispie treat?” Anya offered.

“Nah, I’m good.”

An ear-piercing shriek filled the room, causing everyone to jump.

“You got me Pirates of the Caribbean! You got me Pirates of the Caribbean!” Dawn cried happily, jumping up and down.

“Yeah, well, I knew you liked that poncey Turner fella, thought you might like it.”

Hugging him quickly, Dawn turned to Buffy and pleaded, “Can we watch it? Pleeeeease?

Perturbed by Spike’s presence, but trying to be fair to her sister, Buffy sighed.

“I guess, as long as no one else minds.”

The rest of the Scoobies were staring at Spike in shock.

Pirates of the Caribbean?” Xander said finally.

“What? I won it off Clem in a poker game. He ran out of kittens.”

“Clem had Pirates of the Caribbean?” Willow asked at the same time as Tara asked, “Kittens?”

“Can we please watch the movie? I’ll go to bed early!”

“I’m game,” Buffy said cheerfully. Dawn glared.

The rest of the gang agreed, and Dawn put the movie on, laying on the floor on her stomach with her hands propping up her head. Willow and Tara scooted over to give Buffy room on the couch, Giles took the other armchair, and Xander and Anya sat beside Dawn on the floor.

As the movie progressed, Spike started getting restless. He reached into his inside coat pocket, and Buffy’s head snapped up.

“Do not even think about smoking in here.”

“Wouldn’t dream of sullying your precious lungs, Slayer,” he muttered, pulling a small wrapped sucker from his pocket.

As he unwrapped it, the rustle of paper drew the attention of the others, who stared as the vampire popped the Dum-Dum into his mouth.

Seeing their shocked expressions, he moved the sucker into his cheek, and asked, “What?”

Anya asked, “Blood flavored?”



Xander, who was still staring, turned to his girlfriend and asked, “They have blood flavored lollipops?”

“Of course. Where do you think that Harry Potter woman got the idea?”

Dawn, who’d been annoyed by the conversation up until this point, turned and asked, “You read Harry Potter?”

“Oh, yes. I especially like Malfoy.”

Xander, slowly recovering from his shock, started laughing. Spike glared at him and asked, “What’s so funny?”

“Oh, nothing. Just the very manly vampire with his very manly lollipop.”

With a loud *crunch*, Spike decimated the sucker, chewing loudly as he glared at the boy.

“You’ll damage your teeth doing that,” Tara said with a quiet smile.

“Not that worried, pet,” Spike said, looking at Tara with soft eyes.

“Vampires can get cavities, you know,” Anya interjected, interrupting her conversation with Dawn on the merits of Draco versus Ron.

“Bollocks. Vampires have no living nerves.”

“Yet you can still get a toothache. Wonders never cease.”

“You’re an odd bird.”

“And I’m also right. I should know, I once cursed a man who specialized in undead dentistry.”

“Do we want to know?” Buffy asked uneasily.

“Oh, it wasn’t that bad. I ripped his hands off and slapped him around for awhile before-”

“And that’s enough of that,” Xander said, covering her mouth as Dawn giggled over the mental image.

Reaching into his pocket again, he pulled out another sucker, this time an oversized Blow-Pop.

“How much candy do you have in there?” Willow asked in amazement.

“Pretty much the entire basket. Thanks, by the way,” he said quietly.

Willow blushed slightly and said, “How’d you know?”

“The two witches leave quite a distinct scent, Red.”

Both girls got wide-eyed and red faced, and Spike chuckled.

“Magic, loves.”

“Oh!” Willow exclaimed, still red in the face.

“Can we PLEASE finish watching the movie?” Dawn begged, having tired of arguing whether blue eyes looked better with red hair or blonde hair.

The group lapsed into silence once more, save for the slightest suckling sound.

Blandly watching Raoul Duke run around dressed like a pansy pirate in eyeliner, Spike ran his tongue over the edges of the Blow Pop. For reasons unknown to even himself, the solid ridge running along the center fascinated him. He focused his attention on it even after his tongue began to go numb.

Eventually his mouth filled with sour apple flavored saliva, and he pulled the lollipop from his mouth with a loud ‘pop’, attracting the attention of the others.

“Must you?” Giles asked, removing his glasses to clean them.

Cocking an eyebrow at him, Spike popped the sucker back in his mouth and sucked on it loudly.

Without looking away from the movie, Buffy said, “Keep it up, and that sucker will end up in an orifice you could never imagine.”

Spike leered at her, and a very audible “ew” was heard from Dawn’s spot on the floor.

Xander reached for the bowl of popcorn, only to find it empty.

“Who ate all the snacks?” he asked indignantly.

“You did,” was the collective response.


Standing to get more, he maneuvered his way through the limbs toward the kitchen. Tripping over Spike’s outstretched legs, he grunted in surprise and glared at the vampire.

“What? S’not my fault you’ve never grown out of that gangly phase.”

A mumbled “Bite me” could be heard from the peeved mortal in search of munchies.

Scrunching down in his seat, he continued his minstrations. Spinning the pop in his mouth, he held his tongue still, enjoying the sound as it clicked on his teeth.

“Spike,” Willow said meekly, “I’m real glad you like the candy, but could you try to keep it down?”

“I’m not doing anything!” he grumbled around the sucker.

Tara smiled at him and said, “Well, at least he’s happy.”

“Nothing we like more than pleasing the Fangless Wonder,” Xander said, returning from the kitchen with two bowls of snacks.

Taking careful aim, Spike flicked the Dum-Dum stick at Xander. It hit him in the nose, and he yelled loudly.

“SHHHH!” Dawn said furiously. “It’s the best part!”

Xander rolled his eyes and rubbed his nose grumpily.

Spike found himself growing agitated by the constant interruptions. He wasn’t sure why, but the sucker fascinated him. He chalked it up to boredom and needing a distraction from the whiney gang.

Covering his teeth slightly with his lips, he rolled the sucker around his mouth, licking around the edges as he went. The seam running down one side was especially distracting, and he ran his tongue liberally across it.

Pulling it slightly out of his mouth, he sucked on just the end. He could feel the sticky saliva sliding down his chin, and he reached up to quickly wipe it away.

Sucking it completely in again, he rolled it around once more, running corkscrew spirals around the sides.

Flipping it slightly until the stick was leaning upwards to his nose, he rubbed the bottom of his tongue over the top, enjoying the feel of the hard sweetness.

So intent was he on these new discoveries, he didn’t realize he had an audience. Looking up, he found almost all eyes focused on him. Dawn remained oblivious.

“What now?” he asked, removing the Blow Pop and waving it around. “I know I wasn’t making any noise that time!”

Anya piped up, “No, but if suckers could talk…”


“You were giving that sucker a blow-”

“ANYA!” everyone else shouted.

“Huh?” Dawn said, turning her head.

“Nothing,” Buffy said quickly. “Watch your movie.”

“Gotta agree with Anya, though,” Willow said. “You were doing some rather…obscene things to it.”

“I was SUCKING it!” Spike said indignantly.

“Exactly,” Anya said, smirking.

“‘Now bring me that Horizon’,” Dawn mimicked along with the movie’s ending. “Yay, done! Can we watch it again?”

“No,” Buffy said, still frazzled from the sight of Spike’s able tongue.

“We could play a game. Xander and I brought Uno.”

“That sounds good,” Willow said. “Let’s go in the dining room.”

Everyone stood except Xander, who sat on the floor clutching the popcorn bowl in his lap.

“Xander?” Tara asked. “You coming?”

“Be there in a minute,” he replied in a strained voice.

Anya got wide-eyed, Spike grinned, and Giles cleaned his glasses again.


“Was that really necessary?”

“Nah,” Spike said, sprawling out on the couch. “But it was fun.”

His lover glared at him, but couldn’t help grinning.

“I thought you were going to give Xander a heart attack.”

“Oh come on, the boy’s obviously in denial. If he’s not gay, I’ll wear a dress for a week.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time.”


“My lips are sealed. And to be quite fair, the site of you with that lollipop could make George Bush gay.”

“Yeah, well, we all know my opinion on that wanker,” Spike said, reaching into the pocket of his coat. “Hey! I’m out of candy!”

“It’s not a wonder; you were sucking on one after another all night.”

Spike pouted.

“Oh, I’ll get you a bag tomorrow, you big baby.”

Leering, Spike slid off the couch and crawled over to the chair.

“Or you could give me something else to satisfy my craving.”

“Learned a few techniques, have you?”

“Might’ve picked up a thing or two.”

Leaning forward, he started pulling off buttons with his teeth. Three down, he reared back, howling with pain and clutching his cheek.

“Ow! Bloody hell! Call Anya and ask if she still knows a bloody dentist!”


“So, let me get this straight. Spike got a toothache from all the candy.”

“Yes, Anya.”

“And you brought him here so you could get a number for a dentist.”

“Yes, Anya.”

“Okay. One more question.”


“Giles, what happened to the buttons on your shirt?”


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