The moon shone bright overhead, the stars were clear in the sky, and Kennedy was out for revenge. Or payback. Or something. Whatever. She needed to prove that she had what it took to be a Slayer. Dammit, she'd been training since she was seven for this role, and at eighteen she might never get the call. It wasn't fair. She was the best prepared, the gutsiest, the smartest, and just plain the best person for the job.

Then, after 'boot camp', Buffy had taken her aside and told her she was doing it all wrong - like Buffy had any business telling anyone anything! She had the nerve to say Kennedy should stop teaching the Potentials to be robotic followers, and encourage creativity in the Maggots. Then Willow - her Willow, who had done a huge power suck on her only a couple weeks before - told her she was being too hard on the Potentials and ought to be giving them jelly donuts and hugs and Rainbow Bright dollies...okay, no actual Rainbow Bright reference, but that was clearly where the lecture was headed.

The Anya, who couldn't do anything and was just in the house to take up bathroom time and cower from the demons D'Hoffryn kept sending to assassinate her, gave her a speech about how difficult a Slayer's life really is. As if she would know anything about that! Anya was never a Slayer. What could she know about being a real, serious ass-kicking amazon?

And Xander was even worse! Where did he get off giving her this whole song and dance about her not listening to Buffy enough? He had no powers, no destiny, and no real training. He was just a carpenter who hung out with Buffy to make himself feel special by being her pet Nice Guy.

As for Andrew and his babble about Anniken Skywalker's hubris...the less said the better.

Even Giles had taken her aside for a cup of tea and a round of telling her she was nothing compared to the all-powerful, all-knowing, all-spiffy Buffy. At least Spike hadn't tried to pretty up his insults in big words nobody understands. But why listen to a vampire? Vampires are for staking, not for teaching Slayers - even potential ones - how to do their jobs.

Dawn was the only one who hadn't spent the day telling Kennedy how useless, unprepared, and stupid she was. Then again, Dawn didn't need to open her mouth. Her eye rolling and brow-raising pretty much said the same thing everyone else was saying with their mouths.

Well, she would show them all.

There were rumors of something killing people in Breaker's Woods. In the mornings, all anybody found were bleached bones and a couple internal organs. Buffy had formed a scouting party to check out the latest remains. Giles, Dawn, and Xander pored over stacks of musty, dusty books, Willow looked up similar phenomena on her laptop, and nobody was doing a damn thing to hunt down and kill this creature. All Spike said was he was going to 'talk to a guy who knows a demon'. As if talking was going to solve things!

She'd told them all. She'd said it over and over.

"The answer isn't in dusty books or computers or chats with 'guys', or post-mortems on bones and bowels. The answer is this."

She'd drawn her crossbow and left the house. They'd all protested, but she was going to be the one to do something. Slayers don't sit on their asses waiting when people are dying. They go out, find the nasties, and kill them.

That's what being the Slayer is all about.

Action.

The hunt.

The kill.

She couldn't wait to bring her trophy back to the house and show them all what a Slayer could do if she just got off her butt and did it.

She'd show them all.

The moon was still full, the stars still bright, when Kennedy reached the woods. The soft crunch of pine needles underfoot was the only sound. Okay, and the occasional hoot of an owl. Kennedy hefted her crossbow more securely in her hands. She had the bolt set up. She was ready to do whatever it took to kill this demon. Whatever it was, all she had to do was find the right spot to hit it, and it would die, just like anything else.

Suddenly, a scream broke the still of the night. Kennedy began to run. If this creature had a victim, she might not have long to save them. The howl sounded fairly far away. She prayed she would make it in time. Then she would have a witness to tell the others that she, and only she, had had the guts and nerve to do what needed to be done.

Watch and learn, Buffy, you little whiner.

You didn't need to know what it was called, or where it was from, or if it brought flowers to its demon mommy; all you needed to know was that it was evil and it needed to die.

The clearing was closer than Kennedy had thought. In the middle of it, a nest of at least twenty demons huddled around a campfire. They were huge. At least nine feet tall, except for two or three little ones who might be juveniles. Even they were taller than her. Their green scales made them difficult to really see clearly in the night. Even with the moonlight, they completely faded into the trees.

A plaintive moan reminded Kennedy of what she was there to do. She just wondered how. She only had three bolts. It had never occurred to her that there might be more than one demon.

Maybe there was some, small reason to research.

Still, people were going to die if she didn't act immediately.

"I'm hungry," one of the small ones whined. "When are we gonna eat?"

"As soon as we find a meal, Slovinge. You know that. Bersag, make the call again."

"In a minute. You have to space it out; give it enough time to be answered. Besides, the barbecue sauce isn't quite ready."

"It will be by the time we have a roast to put it on. Make the call."

Bersag lifted his scaly hands to his gaping maw and yowled. It was the sound Kennedy had heard before.

So that meant they hadn't found a victim yet. Good. She wasn't going to give them a chance to find one. She let a crossbow bolt fly. It hit Bersag in the throat. He turned.

"Ow," he said plaintively. "That wasn't very nice."

All the adult demons stood and turned on Kennedy. As they got closer, she discovered there were more demons than she'd realized. There were only had two bolts left and about eighteen adult demons to slay, as well as the two kids.

Maybe this hadn't been the best idea, after all.

Still, there was no going back. She wasn't going to run and hide from the bad things. That might be what Buffy recommended, but Kennedy wasn't in the habit of backing down from a fight.

"Can we eat her?" Slovinge piped up. "She looks like she'd taste good."

Kennedy struggled with suddenly nerveless fingers to reload her crossbow. She was beginning to see what Buffy and Giles both liked so much about swords: no reloading, good kill ratio, keeps nasties at arms' length. Maybe she should have paid more attention when Giles lectured about picking the correct tool for the job.

Bolt finally in place, she let fly. Her hands were shaking so badly that it bounced harmlessly at little Slovinge's feet.

"She tried to kill me, Mommy!" the demon boy pouted.

With that, the entire demon clan gave a roar of rage and surged forward. Kennedy never got a chance to load her final bolt. The crossbow was knocked savagely from her hands before she could even grasp the last missile.

Demon fists and feet pummeled her mercilessly. Her clothing was ripped away violently. She struggled, but to no avail. At last, the demons beat her into submission and brought her to the campfire.

"You know," Bersag said as he tied her to the spit, "your problem is you didn't come prepared. You had no idea what you were going to be fighting. Not that I'm complaining, and not that it will do you any good to know this for the future, since you don't exactly have one, but it was really stupid to come out here on your own with no clue what you needed to get the job done. Do you even know what species we are?"

Kennedy just shook her head and struggled futilely as a female began painting barbecue sauce on her.

"See," Bersag continued. "No preparation. That's sloppy. If you'd done your homework, you'd know what to do."

The female popped an apple into Kennedy's mouth. Bersag hoisted the spit over the flames.

"But why should I tell you how to kill my kind?" he asked. "I mean, it won't do any good for you, and it's not fun for me to think about dying. I just came out here for a nice picnic with the family. Still, I'm betting you think you're a Slayer, don't you?"

She couldn't talk, so she shook her head as much as she could. The flames were beginning to lick her back, and she longed to scream in agony.

"Yes, you do. You think you're the Slayer. You're not. You're just a stupid, arrogant kid who thinks she knows it all. And that's why you'll be dead in a minute. And that's why your friends will never know what happened to you."

Tears leaked from Kennedy's eyes. She knew the demon was right. If she'd been a little less busy trying to prove she was all that, and a little more busy listening to anyone else, maybe she wouldn't be here now, covered in barbecue sauce, hung over an open flame to roast with an apple in her mouth. But it was too late to worry about that. The female was turning the spit.

*****

Buffy and her army arrived at the clearing just as Slovinge licked the last bit of sauce off his webbed fingers. He never felt the iron spike that impaled him. In a matter of minutes, the clearing was littered with dead demons.

"Okay, who's on burial detail?" Xander called. "Get your shovels here!"

Three Potentials stepped forward and exchanged their spikes for digging implements. Buffy, Giles and Willow stared grimly at the remains of the picnic. A few bones, a spleen, a liver, the core of an apple, and a bowl of leftover barbecue sauce.

"Too late," Buffy said tightly. "Again."

"We needed to know what we were up against," Giles reminded her. "If we'd got ourselves killed, it wouldn't have helped anyone."

"Now at least they won't kill anybody else," Willow said. "There's a bright side, really."

Buffy nodded, but her chin remained jutted stubbornly out. The others knew she couldn't completely agree, no matter how right they were. All she could accept was that she hadn't gotten the job done in time to save another person.

"Let's get this place cleaned up," she said at last.

She took another shovel from Xander and began to dig along with the others. A moment later, Amanda stopped digging and stared at something.

"What's that?" she asked.

"What's what?" Willow chimed in.

"Over there."

Giles was the first to reach the pile of clothing.

"Oh dear lord," he breathed.

Willow stared in shock.

"K-Kennedy...?"

The scene opens on a sunny tableau as seen through a window: a park, some trees, little children, and the cemetery looming behind it in the background. Dogs frolic merrily in the grass as twilight slowly falls.

In extreme close-up, a tattered curtain lowers over the glass and hides the happy scene. Meanwhile, the overture, offering hints of music to come, plays over the credits (Guest stars Robin Williams as Tweet, Patrick Stewart as the Bellhop and special appearance by Charisma Carpenter as minion #3).

The scene slowly widens to reveal a dank, ugly hotel room, where Giles sits at the table drinking whiskey straight from the bottle. A bellhop is fiddling with a room service cart, and the first strains of "Going Through the Motions" begin.

Giles puts the bottle aside and picks up a strategically placed photograph of Buffy. He runs his fingers gently over her features as the music swells. He pays no attention to the Bellhop who sneaks a swig of whiskey and looks over Giles' shoulder.

Giles: Every single night, the same arrangement, she goes out and does patrol.
And I know I should be pleased because she's
Kind of doing well, kind of on a roll

She goes out and keeps the town from vampires, and she's never guessed
That I've been going through the motions
Meeker than a dove
Wanting to admit that I'm in love...
Bellhop pats Giles comfortingly on the shoulder.

Cut to Buffy, patrolling in the cemetery. A vampire leaps out from behind a gravestone. Buffy dispatches it in a bored manner. As the dust clears, she sighs deeply and pulls a swatch of tweed out of her pocket. She strokes it softly.

Buffy: I know I am smart and getting stronger, but there is a missing gap
Lately, I suspect that slayer strength is kind of in the way, kind of a bum rap.
See, it scares the guys away, and lately I've found one I want to win.
So I am going through the motions, keeping my mouth shut Wishing I could only tell him, but...

Cut back to Giles, munching distractedly on some French fries.

Giles: Will I find a way to manage?

Bellhop: I once heard this great old adage...

Giles: Will it help me out?

Bellhop: Not-as-such...

Giles: Then I don't really care...
Going through the motions
Wishing she were here
Even though I know
She does not love me so
I sort of want to have...her near!

Giles takes one last, long look at the photograph. Bellhop holds out his hand in hopes of a large tip. Giles crosses to the door and ushers him out.

Cut to Int. Magic Box, morning. Close up on bell above the door as Buffy enters. Camera pans back to reveal the Scooby gang in all their glory. Anya stands behind the counter fondling stacks of money. Willow and Tara stand beside a display, discussing the magic items inside. Giles and Xander lounge at the tarot table eating donuts and reading comic books. Dawn stands to one side holding a flashing neon sign reading: "look at me, dammit!" over her head. Nobody does.

Buffy: So...what's up today? Anything Hellmouthy going on?

Xander: Nope. Nothing going on. Like anything strange would ever happen in good old Sunnydale, land of the relentlessly normal.

Others all nod in assent except for Dawn who does a series of cartwheels across the room in hopes of drawing somebody's attention. Nobody notices her.

Buffy: Good. So...um...

Giles rises to his feet and hurries to her side. He whips off his glasses in a manly way.

Giles: What is it, Buffy? Is there something you know about?

Buffy: No! It's just...did anyone here...burst into song last night?

All begin to babble simultaneously about intimate uses for couscous, back up orchestras, frolicking demons, and suchlike disturbing concepts.

Anya: Is it just us? If it's only us it's probably a spell.

Buffy crosses to door, opens it and looks out into the street. She sees a young couple dancing as a chorus around them sings joyfully and throws rice.

Crowd: They're off...to Vegas...now!

Elvis Impersonator: Thank you, thank you very much.

Elvis Impersonator drapes his scarf around the Bride's neck and leads the couple to a Limo.

Buffy closes the door.

Buffy: It's not just us.

Pizzicato violins are heard as Giles returns to the table and picks up a jelly donut. He begins to sing...again.

Giles: I've got a theory
That we're all singing
Well, not a theory then, more like an observation

Sits with a thump. Willow crosses to the table to join him.

Willow: I've got a theory
Somebody's wishing
And we're all stuck inside their wacky situation.

Giles: I've got a theory we should work this through

Anya: Cause if we don't there won't be any stuff for us to do...

Dawn climbs on the table. Nobody sees her.

Dawn: It could be crazies
Cause we once had those
But not that I would know cause I stayed in my room and kept out of the way.

Shrugs and retreats to her corner when she sees that nobody notices what she sang.

Anya: I've got a theory it could be field mice...

The plucking of violin strings is suddenly replaced by wailing electric guitars and Keith Moonesque drums as the camera zooms swiftly in and out on Anya. Laser beams and small explosions fill the air as she gesticulates wildly.

Anya: They're almost just as bad as wacky little crazies
What with their cubes of cheese and stupid little mazes
And what's with all that science,
Why pick them over other animals anyway?
Field mice, field mice, it must be field mice!

Everybody stares. Pizzicato violins resume and Anya sits sheepishly on Xander's lap.

Anya: Or maybe bunnies...

Willow heads for a bookshelf and begins distributing volumes.

Willow: I've got a theory we should go and look
This might be something we can't really solve without a book

Giles catches Buffy's eye and smiles. The music swells as the pair lock eyes. She smiles back.

Giles: I've got a theory it doesn't matter...
What can't we face if we work through it
What can't we solve if we get to it
And anyway, it could be worse

Xander: How so?

Giles: I'll share...but you go first

Xander: I'll search the books, if there is free beer

Buffy: (suspicious) There's something else that's going on here

Giles: There's nothing we can't face...

Buffy: Unless there...is.

Buffy and Giles hold their look for a long moment, then blush and begin to read. Each sneaks peeks at the other when they think nobody is looking.

Dawn sighs and tosses her neon sign in the trash.

Cut to night scene. Graveyard. Buffy and Giles walk together through the headstones. They match step and stick very close but they don't actually touch. Buffy toys in a most Freudian manner with a stake.

Buffy: Thanks for coming with, Giles. It's been such a freaky day, I didn't want to patrol alone. You...didn't have...any plans, did you?

Giles: (A little too quickly) No, no. Nothing planned. Just a cup of tea and a book.

Buffy: You so need to get out more. Don't you ever, I dunno, have a date or something?

Giles: Not in some time, actually. You?

Buffy: Are you kidding? I was dead, remember. Sorta puts a crimp in the guy meeting department.

Two vampires walk by. They ogle Buffy. Giles shoots a Ripper glare at them. One explodes into dust just from that. The other runs away.

Giles: Pillocks!

Buffy: (cluelessly) Huh?

Giles: They were looking at you. Those vampires were...ogling you.

Buffy: (mock excitedly) Really? Wow, it's great to be the undead's favorite party girl.

Giles: Buffy?

Buffy: Yes, Giles?

She looks up at him expectantly. He fiddles with his glasses nervously.

Giles: Buffy...I...that is to say...Look out!

Another vampire appears on the scene. He takes up a fighting stance as Buffy runs toward it, stake held on high. As she attacks the beast, the action slows to an almost balletic look. Music swells. The camera focuses on Buffy fighting. Giles walks into the frame in realtime. This is meant to symbolize his thoughts as he watches Buffy fight. Audience appreciates the subtlety of the symbolism.

Giles: I lived my life encloistered, I never gave her a look
I always locked my feelings, hiding inside of my books
Now I'm not her boss
So I can tell her, because

I'm under her spell
I don't think she'll mind
After all, I'm smart and kind
I think I've earned her trust
Now I'll have my chance
Make my first advance, because...I must

Buffy slays the vampire. Another attacks Giles from behind. Now his motion slows (get the symbolism? geddit?) as Buffy circles the brawling pair.

Buffy: I have a funny feeling, something is trying to be said
If I could only focus...can't get him out of my head
I don't think he'd know
My feelings have started to grow

And I'm under his spell
Now I'll really pay
Cause this is something I can't say
Too bad it cannot be
Because he's smart and kind
And overall a perfect guy...for me

Giles manages to maneuver the vampire to stand with it's back to Buffy. She stakes it cleanly. The two stand, panting, looking intently at one another as the dust clears.

Giles: Well done, Buffy.

Buffy: Thanks. You okay?

Giles: Yes, yes, I'm fine.

Neither notices Dawn in the background being carried off by three minions in big head masks. One stops to remove her giant head and waves to Buffy and Giles. She looks oddly familiar, and the audience can't help but marvel at the brilliance of the clever writers, who remembered that Charisma Carpenter has a dance background, and recruited her for this episode.

Charisma: Hey guys! Yoo hoo! Baddies carrying off Slayer's little sis over here!

Dawn: Buffy! Help!

Neither Buffy nor Giles looks up. Charisma puts her giant head back on in disgust and returns to carrying off Dawn.

Dawn: Great. Guess I'll have to save myself.

The minions knock Dawn unconscious. They cart her off.

Buffy: Were you saying something?

Giles: Hmm? When?

Buffy: Before. Y'know, right before the vamp attack? I thought maybe you were going to say something.

Giles: No, nothing important. Um, I really need to go now.

Buffy: I thought you didn't have any plans.

Giles: I - I - I think I left the kettle on. Bye.

Rushes off into the night. Buffy stares sadly after him.

Buffy: Great. I thought at least Giles liked me.

Turns and bumps into Spike.

Spike: Hallo, pet.

Buffy: What are you doing here?

Spike: Well, I am a vampire. I do live in this cemetery. What are you doing here?

Buffy: I am the Slayer. I do kill vampires here.

Spike: You need better writers, love. Time was you'd have lobbed a really good one at me for that.

Buffy: Sorry. I'm a little distracted.

Continues to look in direction Giles fled.

Spike: Well, I could distract you some more.

Buffy: (Annoyed) Was that another lame come on?

Spike: No. There was nothing lame about that come on.

Buffy shoots him a withering glare and starts to leave. Spike gets in her path.

Spike: Look, I don't know what's going on in that miserable excuse for a brain of yours, but you'll feel better if you work it out a bit. So come on, hit me.

Buffy: Hit you? Just like that?

Spike: Not like you've ever needed a reason before, is it?

Buffy: Go away, Spike.

Spike: Buffy, I love you.

Buffy: Well get over it 'cause it's never gonna happen.

Buffy gazes off into the distance where Giles fled again. Spike glowers and takes a swing at Buffy. She fights with him in a distracted manner.

As the music rises, Spike rolls his eyes in disgust, but cannot help singing. Buffy does not seem to hear him.

Spike: I'm not ready to let you go
But now he loves you, do you even know?
And you love him, but can you tell him so?
And I...

Buffy lands a vicious kick to Spike's gut. He sputters and coughs for a moment, but manages to keep the meter of his song.

Spike: I must admit he's a better match
Alive, for one, but then there's still a catch
Cause he won't tell you what's inside his hatch
But I...

Spike hits Buffy hard and knocks her down. Buffy gets back to her feet immediately. She looks longingly in the direction Giles went.

Spike: I wish I could play the cupid
And help you see the truth
Wish I could be that righteous, I did it in my youth
Wish I could fix you up with Sir Long-in-the-tooth
But I'm evil, don't you see?
I'm just evil...don't you see?
Spike flips a two fingered salute at Buffy's back and walks off into the darkness.

Cut to The Bronze. Dawn lies unconscious on the pool table. As semi-balletic dance music begins, she wakes up. Three minions in big-headed masks drag her from the table and begin to dance with her, miming her abduction and her fruitless attempts to flee. Everybody wave hi to Charisma...

As the dance builds to a climax, a demon in a Hawaiian shirt and blue jeans appears on the stage. This is Tweet. He waves his arms and yells.

Tweet: Shazbat!

The minions stop dancing and push Dawn toward the stage.

Tweet: Woah! What we got here? Slayer's little sister, huh? (begins to speak in a series of bizarre voices and accents of indeterminate origins as he turns different colors) Not much of a family resemblance, is there? Hey! What you saying? What did the mailman look like? You take that back! Hey, I'm only saying....

Dawn: Who are you already? Why did you kidnap me? My sister is so gonna kick your ass...as soon as she figures out I'm gone.

Tweet laughs wildly as music for a soft-shoe number fills the air. The Minions dance gracefully. Tweet starts to dance but finds himself hampered by his running shoes. They just don't shuffle the way he wants. He gives them a disgusted look, but continues dancing anyway.

Tweet: Well, hello little miss
I really like your...style
And I'm glad you're here
Hope you'll stay a...little while
Cause I'm trying to lure the slayer
Cause someone loves her, and I'm gonna make her
Realize that she really loves him too!

Music changes slightly to the bridge tune.

Tweet: See, it's not healthy to be repressing
It smothers the heart like a glove
And this I'm sure they will realize
As they try to save you, love...
Dawn: So this is all a trick? You're trying to help them?

Tweet: I come here when hearts come a calling
To help folks realize theirs are a falling
And I use...whatever little tricks...I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed!

Tweet raises his arms on the last (endless) note as the Minions dance themselves into a soft-shoe frenzy and end surrounding their master, panting, arms raised and all looking expectantly at Dawn. She stares at them for a long moment. Realizes they won't break their position until she reacts.

Dawn: Um...yippee?

Tweet and his Minions all look very relieved and break their pose.

Tweet: Oh, no, really, you're too kind. (takes overblown curtsey) Hey, Minion, bring us some Chex mix and a Parcheesi board, will you?

Charisma removes her Minion head, rolls her eyes and leaves to get the requested items.

Dawn: So all this is because Buffy's in love with someone? Who?

Tweet: (shaking his head) Oh dear, oh dear. Look honey, it's obvious. Can't you see?

Dawn: No. Who is it?

Tweet: (raises his hand) I'd like to buy a clue, Vanna. (makes rude raspberry noise) Oops! Time's up! Guess you'll just have to wait for the answer until after this - hopefully - brief commercial interruption. (Minion returns) Have some Chex mix, kid. If they're as dumb as you, this could take a while.

Tweet tosses a handful of Chex mix roughly in the direction of his face and catches what he can in his mouth, allowing the rest to fall unheeded to the floor. He sets up the game board. Dawn rolls her eyes and nibbles delicately at a Rice Chex square.

Inspirational power chords ring out as the scene fades to a montage. Scenes of Dawn, Tweet, and his minions playing Parcheesi and nibbling on Chex mix are intercut with images of Buffy training and Scoobies doing apparently urgent research. After the requisite four minutes of intense activity set to turgid music, cut to close up of Tweet.

Tweet: Man! Those two are dumber than I thought! They're still not here! Are these people brain damaged?

Dawn: Well, Giles does get knocked on the head a lot. Still, I can't believe it. I've been here a week and they haven't found me yet.

Tweet: More like five days. Have some more Chex mix.

Dawn: Don't you have anything else to eat around here?

Tweet: That's it! When the houseguests start complaining about the grub, it's time to throw them out!

Dawn: (eagerly) So I can go now?

Tweet: No way, Jose! I still got a job to do. (gestures to minion) You, go give those two clueless wonders a roadmap.

Minion leaves. Tweet passes bowl to Dawn.

Tweet: Here. Have some Chex mix. It's yummy.

Dawn rolls her eyes.

Cut to Magic Box. Int. Buffy comes out of the training room, still dressed in her exercise clothes. Giles follows, towel draped over his shoulder to prove he sweats manfully in his sessions with Buffy. Willow, Tara and Xander sit around the tarot table playing rock, paper, scissors for no apparent reason. Anya fondles money in the background.

Buffy: Well, I guess I'd better get home and make some dinner before patrol.

Giles: (whipping off his glasses) Do be careful, Buffy.

Buffy: No worries. Got it covered. Hamburger Helper is rarely demon-infested.

Giles: (replacing his glasses) I'm just trying to keep you safe.

Buffy: I know. (Heads for door, stops, turns back to her friends) There's just this one thing...

Willow: What is it, Buff?

Buffy: It's probably nothing, but I've had this funny feeling for days now that there's something...missing.

Giles: You ought to have told us at once so we could research the phenomenon.

Xander: Yeah, Buffy. Give us something to do.

Anya: (looking up) Hey! You already have something to do: me.

Tara: What do you think is missing?

Buffy: (shrugs) I don't know. But I think it's something important...something key.

Door bursts open and one of Tweet's minions enters.

Minion: Look, you dummies! We've got the Slayer's little sister at The Bronze. You guys have to come and save the kid.

Willow: Dawn's missing? When did that happen?

Buffy: (bursting into tears) Ohmigod! Dawn! I have to save her!

Minion: About time! You were there last night and you didn't even notice us!

Giles: Well...Buffy's had a great deal on her mind of late.

Minion: Look, just get over there and save the kid, will you? You're throwing off our whole schedule.

Xander: (to Minion) Hey, haven't we met before?

Minion leaves shaking her massive head in disgust.

Xander: So let's go. Let's saddle up the troops. I got a hankering to kick me some demon booty.

Buffy: No. Dawn is my sister. I need to do this alone. (looks puzzled) Did I just say that?

Anya: I heard it.

Giles: Buffy are you sure? Didn't the minion say we should go together?

Buffy: (looking deep into his eyes) I think this is a solo job.

Buffy heads out the door as the others stare after her, stunned.

Xander: You're not gonna let her go out without backup, are you, Giles?

Giles: It's Buffy's decision. She doesn't want us along.

Anya: When has that ever stopped us?

Willow: If we let her go alone, we don't get to show off our talents and then why are we here at all?

Tara: And what will she do if none of us are put in danger this week? It would throw off the cosmic rhythm of our group dynamic.

Giles: Yes, well, you all make good points, but Buffy told us to stay here, and she must have had a good reason.... Besides, with everything that's going on out there...it would be too dangerous.

Xander: What? The smoochie factor in the streets? It's okay, Giles. We're all paired off already. I don't think it affects us.

Giles: (cleaning three pairs of glasses simultaneously to demonstrate how embarrassed he is) Not all of us, Xander.

The other four look at him in disgust.

Anya: Sure you are, Giles. You're just too repressed and pigheaded to get the smoochies.

Giles: (huffily) I've no idea what you're talking about.

Willow: (rolling her eyes) Meshuggenuh!

The others look confused at her.

Willow: Hello, still Jewish here.

Tara: Giles, you need to talk to Buffy.

Anya: Then you need to give her orgasms.

Xander: Lots of them.

The others all look at him now.

Xander: What? I may be getting some, but I'm still horny guy. That's my very special role.

Cut to street scene. Buffy walks alone as couples hug kiss and...well...couple in the background. Buffy doesn't notice them. She begins to soliloquize.

Buffy: (sighing) Oh Giles, if only I could tell you how I feel. I'm just so verbally and emotionally challenged. Not that you're exactly Mr. share, either. If only you'd give me a hint, I could talk myself into rejecting you. (sighs again) But I really, really don't want to.

A plaintive piano is heard as Buffy steps over a couple rolling on the ground seemingly engaged in trying to devour one another with kisses. Buffy begins to sing.

Buffy: I touch the fire, and it frightens me
It's pushing me out on a limb
I go for Dawn, but as I walk along
I only think of him
Pulls out swatch of tweed and strokes it against her cheek.

Buffy: Now, through the smoke, I find my way
I walk the path without a guide
My task is clear, but I just want him near
He should be by my side

So I will walk through the fire
Because I have no choice
And I will walk through the fire
Toward his...

Cut to Magic Box. Int. Giles sits at tarot table and stares ahead blankly. Out of nowhere, a whiskey bottle appears at his elbow and he takes a hearty swig.

Giles: I feel her heart, it frightens me
For I'm afraid to follow through
If I'm game, and she doesn't feel the same
I don't know what I'll do

Cut to The Bronze. The Minions are now force-feeding Chex mix to Dawn in the background as Tweet sings onstage to a crowd of appreciative young people of both genders.

Tweet: So he will walk through the fire
And hope she'll know his choice
So he will walk through the fire
Toward her...

Cut to Magic Box. Int. Giles stands and whips off his glasses. He is wearing another pair underneath.

Giles: I know that this fight will be key
Would she go if demons had me?
Are tears for Dawn the only tears she cries?

Xander: We don't have time to work this issue
Damn it, man, it's not about you

Anya: Not that we don't sort of sympathize

Xander/Anya/Willow/Tara: We'll go with you
So we can prove she loves you too
Cause we are caught in the fire

The Scoobies take Giles bodily and steer him out into the street. They sing as they push him toward The Bronze.

Cut to Buffy reaching the door of The Bronze. She looks at the door in determination.

All: We cannot yet rejoice
So we will walk through the fire
Toward her voice
Toward her voice
Toward her voice

Tweet: I love a romance!

Buffy pays the cover charge and enters The Bronze.

Cut to The Bronze. Int. Buffy walks slowly through the SRO crowd. She pushes her way toward the stage.

Buffy: (searching the crowd) Dawn? Where are you?

Dawn: Buffy! Save me! Did you bring any jelly donuts? Skittles? Anything?

Buffy leaps to the stage over the heads of several surprised club patrons and lands gracefully mere inches from Tweet with her hands on her hips.

Buffy: Okay, game's over. Give me my sister, and nobody gets hurt...except you.

Tweet: (searching the crowd) Where's your better half?

Buffy: Huh? Better half of what?

Tweet: You know, the guy with the sexy specs. Tweedman? Book guy?

Buffy: You mean Giles? I left him at the shop. I didn't want him to get hurt. Now if you don't mind, I'll take my sister and be on my way.

Tweet: (makes rude buzzing noise) Wrong answer! I'm sorry, but no partner, no prize.

Buffy: That's dumb. Look, I'm getting my sister and then I'm gone. If you know what's good for you, you'll be gone by the time I get back.

Buffy turns to rescue Dawn, but finds herself trapped by an invisible wall that surrounds her. This not only allows us to see her during her captivity, it also saves on the set and props budget, which had to be drastically cut to pay for our guest stars.

Buffy: Let me out of here!

Tweet: No can do. Only you can break down the barriers.

Buffy: Okay, Zenmaster Karate Kid, I've had about enough of this!

Tweet: Hey, wax on and wax off as much as you like. You ain't getting out of there until you figure things out.

Buffy pummels the invisible barrier despite the demonstrable futility of the act.

Dawn: (rolling her eyes) Great. Now I'll never escape the Chex Mix diet.

Buffy: (to Tweet) When I get out of here, I'm going to rip your lungs out and feed them to you!

Tweet: Then it's a good thing you're not getting out of there anytime soon.

Cut to the crowd. Willow, Xander, and Tara, push Giles toward the stage as Anya kicks, elbows, and punches patrons out of the way.

Jonathan: Ow! Quit it!

Anya kicks his shin again, just because.

Xander: Buffy! What are you doing just standing around? Dawn's right there!

Buffy: (punching invisible wall) Duh, brainboy! I'm trapped. Giles, help me!

Giles rushes to the stage and peers thoughtfully at the invisible barrier surrounding Buffy. He runs his hands over it, lingering at her chest level.

Giles: Good lord. When did this happen? Buffy, can you get out of here?

Tweet: Not by herself, buddy.

Giles turns on Tweet and grabs a handful of Hawaiian shirt. Tweet is suddenly nose to nose with Giles. Cut to shot of Tweet's feet dangling in midair.

Giles: What have you done to her, you pillock?

Tweet: You guys just don't get it, do you? I didn't do that, she did. And hey, buddy, check out the one around YOU.

Tweet falls to the ground. Giles is also in an invisible trap. He runs his hands over the borders.

Giles: (curiously) Curious.

Willow: We have to save them! Tara, let's do some mojo and save the day.

Xander: Hold it, Will. Walls? This looks like a job for construction guy.

Anya : (squealing in delight) Xander's going to be manly. I love it when he does that.

Tweet: Forget it, you guys. This is something these two wacky kids have to work out for themselves. They built the walls, they're the only ones who can tear them down.

Tara: (nodding) Of course. It makes sense now.

Xander: What makes sense? I see no sense here.

Willow: (pouting) I don't get to do a spell?

Tara: Buffy! Giles! These walls aren't literal at all.

Buffy: (still pummeling the walls) They feel pretty literal to me!

Giles: Of course! Tara's right!

Buffy: (stops hitting walls) What do you mean?

Giles: They're created out of a mystical energy that has been slowly building into a wall around our...our hearts...our emotions. Buffy, when was the last time you laughed? Or...or told someone you loved them?

Buffy: (thinking hard) I don't remember. Maybe sometime early in season five?

Giles: And I...well, let's just say it's been even longer for me.

Buffy: So all we have to do is laugh? Quick! Someone tell a knock-knock joke!

Giles: I don't think it's that easy.

Buffy: (grumbling) I knew you were gonna say that.

Tweet: (holding hands with Bellboy and jumping gleefully) Come to Papa, yeah! (sings) You can work it out!

Minions all edge closer and look very encouraging despite the painted faces on their masks.

Giles: I think we have to...have to...express some honest emotion of some sort. Reach out to one another...or something.

Buffy: Couldn't I just laugh at you?

Giles: Concentrate, Buffy. This is the only way we can get to Dawn and save her.

Buffy: (with great conviction) I love Dawn. (checks walls; they are still there) I love jelly donuts. (again, no good) I - I - I love Will and Xander. (still no effect) It's not working, Giles. What do I do?

Giles: (quietly) I love you, Buffy.

Giles steps free of his walls. He crosses to where Buffy is still trapped.

There is a long pause as Buffy and Giles look deep into one another's eyes. At last she smiles and speaks.

Buffy: I love you, too, Giles.

Buffy reaches out tentatively and discovers she is now free. Giles holds out his hand to her. Buffy stares at it for a long moment, then turns and gets Dawn who has been released from her captivity.

Buffy: You okay, Dawnie?

Dawn: I never want to see Chex again as long as I live. But I'm okay. What about Giles?

Buffy: What about him?

Dawn: He saved us, Buffy, and you said you love him.

Buffy turns and looks at Giles where he stands dejected several feet away. A guitar begins to softly strum in a minor key.

Buffy: Where do we go from here?

Cast: Where do we go from here?

Giles: We told the truth, and it made a mess
But that's kind of good, I guess
Where do we go from here?

Buffy goes to Giles and takes his hand with a small smile.

Buffy: What do we do with this?
Making up time we missed

Giles moves to embrace Buffy. She holds him tightly as the audience cheers. Tweet kisses the Bellboy on the cheek. Bellboy blushes becomingly.

Cast: There's still a chance that we'll all advance
If we put our hearts in gear
Where do we go from here?

Giles pulls a jewelry box from his pocket and slips a diamond ring on Buffy's finger. The music changes as the two smile happily at one another.

Buffy: I touch the fire, and it comforts me

Giles: I need...

Buffy: The candle's glow will light the way

Giles: To love you...

Buffy: Although it's true
I'm not sure what to do...
In answer, he kisses her. The music swells to the dramatic refrain "Where do we go from here?" Drums roll, cymbals crash, and strings soar climactially.

Tweet: Don't they make an adorable couple?

Bellboy: (nodding) And I love it when they end up this way.

Tweet: How's that?

Bellboy: (gesturing with his hand) Engaged.

The Scoobies throw rice and make merry around Buffy and Giles as they continue to kiss.

THE END

Buffy stared at the plane tickets in Giles' hand. She couldn't form a coherent thought, let alone make it come out her mouth.

"Uh huh," she managed at last.

Giles' words continued, but Buffy barely heard them through her haze of confused misery. He'd barely finished when a short, plump woman in Birkenstocks and purple nail polish appeared and took the tickets from Giles. She slapped his face with them.

"What the -" he began.

"What the is right," the woman fumed. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Going back to England?" he offered.

The woman was at least a foot shorter than he was, yet he found himself somewhat intimidated.

"Oh no you're not," she told him firmly. "You're staying here." She pushed Buffy over to him. "Look at her; she's a complete basket case. Set some boundaries, sure, but don't just desert her. Cut the kid some slack for fuck's sake. She got dragged out of Heaven by a bunch of nimrods who want her to sit up and say thank you for it, she's got the ultimate brat of a little sister to raise, no parents, no money, no education, and no way out and you think she's gonna be okay if you go away on top of all that?! You're supposed to be the smart one, you fuckhead! And as for you," she said as she rounded on the Slayer, "eat something, will you?! You're making Calista Flockhart look like Mama Cass."

Out if thin air, a platter of spaghetti carbonara appeared. The woman thrust it into Buffy's hands unceremoniously.

"And I want you to eat every single bite, do you hear?"

"Um...sure...?" the Slayer responded timidly.

"Now see here," Giles began, "I don't know who you are, but you can't just come in here and tell us all how to live our lives."

"Well it's about time someone with some common sense did," she retorted. "I've taken care of a few things for you, Buffy. Dawn is being taken away as we speak to finish her schooling at St. Trinian's School for Girls."

"Is it some kind of private school?" Buffy asked.

"It's a boarding school in England. Don't worry, I've arranged for her to spend every holiday there until she graduates...at the age of fifty."

"Really?"

For the first time all season, a glimmer of hope sparked in Buffy's eyes. She began to attack the plate of pasta with gusto.

"Also, I've talked to the Council. I've persuaded them that a penniless, homeless Slayer is likely to become a mentally unstable Slayer, which might not really be in their best interests. Your house is now paid off, and a generous monthly stipend will be deposited into your bank account. As for your friends..."

At this juncture, Willow, Tara, Xander, Anya and Spike all entered the room entirely so this story would be easier to write.

"What's up, Buff? Who's this person? Should I put a spell on her? Can I? Can I?"

Willow was silenced forever when a sixteen ton weight fell on her.

Tara blinked.

"That was unexpected."

"Look, trust me, you're better off without her."

"But what will I do? Willow was what made me special."

The woman put an arm around Tara's shoulders.

"Have you ever considered art therapy? You gotta raise your self- esteem, girl. And speaking of therapy..." She rummaged in her pocket and pulled out a business card which she handed to Xander and Anya. "This guy specializes in couples counseling. Please, for the love of God, see him before you set a wedding date."

"Guh?" Xander said.

The woman rolled her eyes.

"Mouth looks better closed, Xander. I swear all your brains dribbled out in about season four. And as for you," the woman snorted as she turned on Spike, "you haven't been worth two pins since you got that stupid chip in your head. I mean, come on! You used to be the scourge of Europe. You've killed two Slayers! Now you play lapdog to the Slayer and say you're in love with her? You're so not in love. You just know you're toast if she decides to let the underworld know she's not playing house with you anymore. You're pathetic."

"Am not!" the vampire pouted.

"Are too! Harmony dumped you! *Harmony*! And you make fun of Xander? Can we introduce Mr. Pot to Mr. Kettle? On second thought..."

The woman pulled a stake out of a conveniently placed pocket and dusted Spike easily. She wiped off her hands and turned to Buffy.

"That's how it's done, honey. Just remember, vampires suck. Don't date them, don't sleep with them, don't let them tell you what you are or what you should be."

The woman surveyed her handiwork. Giles had merrily set fire to his plane tickets, Buffy was giggling as she wolfed down pasta, Alistair Sim was busily hauling Dawn away, Spike and Willow were no more, Tara already seemed more confident, Xander and Anya were dialing the counselor's number, and somewhere in Belize, there came the satisfying sound of Riley Finn exploding before anyone could think of bringing him back to Sunnydale to rub Buffy's nose in his shiny new life. The woman grinned.

"Damn, I'm good," she said to no one in particular.

As she turned to go, Buffy and Giles came forward to talk to her one last time.

"Whatever can we do to thank you?" Giles asked, since Buffy's mouth was too full of the eclair she was eating to do the honors.

The woman took their hands and smiled at them.

"All you need to do is listen to me once in a while, and everything will be great. That, and don't let anyone or anything get between you."

"But...but who are you?" Giles asked.

"The name's Wench; Gileswench."

Buffy glared at Giles.

"You have a wench? Since when do you have a wench? I'm not going to find her running around in your shirt, am I?"

Gileswench smiled.

"Only in my dreams. Here, in your reality, he's all yours."

She gave them both enthusiastic - and in Buffy's case, sticky - hugs. At the door, she turned one more time and spoke.

"Tabula Rasa, baby."

She disappeared as the Scoobies...well, those who were left, began to face their problems sensibly.

THE END