"99 dreams I have had, in every one a red balloon."

"Spike, turn the damn song off."

"It's all over and I'm standing pretty in this dust that was a city."

"I mean it, Spike..."

"If I could find a souvenir, just to prove the world was here."

"Damn it, Spike! Shut the stereo off!"

"And here is a red balloon. I think of you and let it go."

Xander suddenly pulled over on the lonely stretch of highway and stopped. He switched off the stereo and turned to look at one of his three passengers. When Willow, Buffy and Xander had made the much surprised visit to the offices of Wolfram & Hart earlier in the month, nearly five years after they'd destroyed The First, the tension in the air was thick enough to cut with a chainsaw.

But it wasn't between Buffy and Angel, or Even Buffy and Spike; the three of them had a private powwow in Angel's office upon arrival and got things straightened out while Xander and Willow chatted with Wesley and a former demon who had taken over the form of one of the employees at W & H.

The tension, it seemed, was between Spike and Xander. Not because of any of their old rivalries. It was plain and simple anger.

Xander, Buffy and Willow realized, was angry because Spike was somehow brought back and Anya was gone forever. And he was angry about that, and there was no one to take it out on except Spike. A human Spike, these days; seemed that he'd earned more than just his existence back.

Spike seemed lost in his own realm of thought. It wasn't until Xander got out and pulled Spike from the car that the former vampire snapped to attention.

"Look, mate, I'm sorry. Didn't know the song would bother you. Thought this was a rather bland CD anyway."

Xander dropped him. It was nearly noon, and Xander was more irritated than he appeared, and Willow could sense it.

"Hey, Xander, want something to drink?"

"No. I don't need another soda."

"Wasn't talking about soda." Willow pulled out a bottle of Southern Comfort from the back of the car where she was sitting. "Let Buffy drive for a while."

Xander opened his mouth to argue, then snatched the bottle from Willow's outstretched hand.

"Can I get some?" Spike asked.

"No," Xander replied through clenched teeth.

"Don't worry, Spike, there's a bottle waiting for you, too," Buffy said, getting out of the back-seat and readjusting her sunglasses. "But not till we hit Sunnydale."

***

"Bloody hell," Spike said, whistling slightly.

Xander sat in the car, nursing his bottle of alcohol, while Buffy, Willow and Spike stood near the abyss.

"You mean to tell me this...chasm...has been here for five bloody years and no one's bothered to come out here and do anything about it?"

"Oh, no. Someone did something about it," Xander yelled from the car. He'd only had the equivalent of two shots of alcohol, so he wasn't drunk, but he didn't want to go see Sunnydale either. "Someone did something."

"What?"

"Bought it." Xander finally got out of the car. "I did. Made some money, bought the whole damn hole. So now I own Sunnydale." He poured some alcohol on the ground near the edge. "In tribute to the most expensive thing I ever bought."

Spike started to say something, but Buffy stepped on his foot. "Why?"

"I didn't want anyone to touch a damn thing. I want to find Anya, if I can. Give her a decent burial." A tear glistened in his eye. "If I can find her. Then I'll sell the place and they can fill it up with concrete for all I care."

Willow nodded and tried to put an arm around his shoulders but Xander shrugged her off and walked away from the others. "Leave me alone."

Spike moved his foot out from under Buffy's and headed after Xander. "Mate..."

"Don't call me mate. Don't talk to me. You gave up your life, so why aren't you still dead? Why did she die?" Xander kept his back to Spike. "Why did you get a second chance?"

"Because I took Angel's place."

"What?"

"Took Angel's place. That necklace was never meant for me; the firm wanted another control over him. Figured if he burst into bloody flame they could bring him back whenever they wanted. And then I got the necklace, and they figured messing with the two of us would be loads more fun."

Xander threw the bottle of alcohol to the ground. Spike could hear Buffy gasp, and was pretty sure the two girls were huddled together slightly. "Waste of some good alcohol, huh?"

"That's right...Xander."

"You know what's really stupid?"

"What?"

"I brought a red balloon." He turned to Spike, holding out a balloon. "And I did it before you ever started playing that damn song."

"Got to say, it's better than roses."

***

An hour later, as the sun set over what was Sunnydale, the four warriors sat on the car and the ground in front of it, huddling in jackets and under blankets, sharing the other bottles of alcohol that had been in the back.

And Xander started to blow up the solitary red balloon he'd brought. When he finished, he tied off the open end. He knew since it wasn't helium filled, it wouldn't go far, but he still whispered, "I think of you and let it go."

And the wind caught the solitary red balloon and carried it over Sunnydale and into the hole.

"Auf wiedersehen, ein luftballoon," Spike said, raising his plastic cup towards the hole. Xander tapped his cup against Spike's and the two men shared a knowing glance.

"'Beware of people from Doppelgängerland,' she said. 'Never kill a boy on the first date,' she said." Dawn looked around. "I love the witch, but I think Willow lost her mind. I mean, she's giving me nightmares about reptile boys and Inca mummy girls." She looked at Tara and sighed. "Why can't she just lie to me?"

"Well," Tara replied, setting the box down on the Magic Box counter, "I think she doesn't want you becoming one of the bad girls, the Zeppo, the invisible girl or one of the enemies."

"But why? It's not like fifteen is the dark age or something. I'm not becoming too helpless, and I can deal with the consequences that come from my choices. It's not like I'm a freshman anymore."

Tara nodded. "You're right, Dawnie. Willow's probably just listening to fear, you know? She's a fool for love, and she loves you like you're family. She's older, and far away, from what it's like to be a teenager since she never really was a teenager to begin with."

"What do you mean?"

Tara pointed to the chairs around the table. "Well, when she found out about Buffy, she got the weight of the world on her shoulders, too. It was like Sunnydale now held a sign for her saying 'Welcome to the Hellmouth,' and that's a surprise to anyone."

"But she went to the prom! She went to graduation, too! And homecoming and..."

Tara held up her hand. "Willow was a teacher's pet. Worrying about the fate of Sunnydale made school hard, especially college. She didn't have the greatest of living conditions in high school. And she did go to her graduation...one that got interrupted by a restless mayor turning into a primeval snake where the vampires showed up, making it a dead man's party. Just because she did normal things doesn't mean she was a normal teenager."

"So why's she going all tough love on me?" Dawn asked, tracing the spiral design on the table. "It's not like any of these revelations are new to me. Buffy always tried to talk to Mom about it while I was out of earshot."

"Maybe I'm just telling you about all this because I want you to know where the wild things are and how to deal with them," Willow said, stepping out from the shadow made by the staircase. She smiled at Dawn. "Buffy's gone, and I just want things to be normal again. That means protecting you from the villains and the bad eggs."

"So you're telling me all that to..."

"To keep you protected. You're safer knowing about it than by being innocent."

"I was only feigning innocence." She smiled at Dawn. "Anyway, I just wanted to let you two know Anya called. She said she's not paying us over time, and that if we don't leave and enter the harsh light of day she'll see if D'Hoffryn can get us killed by death or bunnies or something."

"What?" Tara said.

"I was laughing too hard to really understand. I even asked her what's my line, too, when she said something about fear itself. She sounded so grave, too."

Tara pointed at the boxes. "There's some smashed passion incense in there. Anya said they weren't worth selling, so I'll have two to go."

"Two boxes or two sticks?" Willow said, moving from the staircase all the way towards the box.

"Boxes." Tara stood up, pushing the chair in towards the table. "Dawnie, can you grab the pack?" she asked, pointing to her satchel.

"Sure," Dawn said. A book fell out, and she looked at the title. "Tara, I don't think you should be carrying a book called When She Was Bad where some bewitched bothered and bewildered kid like me can find it."

"Tara!" Willow said in shock indignation. "I thought that was The Secret of the Tabula Rasa, not something so...dirty."

Tara laughed. "I only have eyes for you, Willow," she said. "No, the book follows the phases in the childhood of a girl named Anne. After she's grown up, she tries to make amends with her younger brother Ted after he stages an intervention. But he dies before she gets out of rehab, so she summons him from the afterlife by bargaining with Loki." She pauses. "She's a Wiccan, and she worships the Norse gods."

"What kind of bargain does she make?" Dawn asked, looking at the back of the book.

"Odin will only let her speak and see her brother if she gets the gift of a sacrifice. Well, she goes into the woods searching for it, but she can't find anything. Loki agrees to help if she makes blood ties with him." She takes the book from Dawn. "I haven't gotten to the point to see if she agrees or not, and it's taking forever to get time to finish it."

"Well, I believe there's no place like home," Willow said, grabbing the two boxes of incense, "so let's go home now."

Dawn snapped to attention and saluted Willow. "Yes, sir!"

Willow and Tara collapsed in laughter. "Once more with feeling!"

"I robot, you Jane, sir!"

"As you were, Robot," Willow said. "Come on, or Anya's liable to get the wish about D'Hoffryn killing us till we're dead."

"Oh, can't she go relax? I mean, can't she just go fish or something?" Dawn said.

"Anya and fishing...interesting concept." Willow grabbed the keys and went to the door, opening it. "Hey, what's my line? One--ooph!"

"Sorry," a masculine voice replied.

Willow got knocked backwards, looking up at Angel. "I'm getting these pangs in my chest...I think I may have hurt myself," Willow muttered.

"Did you crush something?" Angel said, offering her a hand up.

"No...wait, just the replacement key for the new lock at home. No wonder my chest hurt." She bent down and picked up her purse, putting the key back inside. "What's up?"

"Well, can we hurry up and get to your house? I almost got burned up by the sun's rays on the way here, and if I had, Cordelia and the others would have been doomed."

"Well, didn't your prophecy girl tell you anything?" Willow said.

"It isn't prophecy, it's premonitions." Angel stepped further inside the shop. "She's walking around the hotel asking everyone 'Who are you?' and she says she's seeing red dots all the time. It's driving me out of my mind, because we can't figure out how to help."

"Sit, Angel," Willow said. She glanced at Tara. "Do you want to go home with Dawn? I mean, it's almost nightfall..."

Tara nodded. "Yeah. Dinner sounds good." She looked at Dawn. "I think I have some gingerbread cookies at home that we can snack on while we make dinner." She watched Dawn gather her things. "Any ideas?"

"Beer?" Dawn said, smiling.

"Beer bad. Next idea?" She ruffled Dawn's hair as they got closer to the door.

"How about some of that band candy I bought?"

"Real food, Dawn," Tara said, stepping outside after Dawn and shutting the shop door behind her.

Angel shook his head. "She's a beauty."

"And the beast's walking right in front of her," Willow said wryly. "Dawn's a good kid, though."

"She's really Buffy's sister?"

"I consider her to really be her sister. I would have thought Buffy's death wouldn't matter so much after she found out Buffy really wasn't her sister, but Dawn's life was wrecked. She took it really hard...she's been a superstar dealing with this."

"How about you?" Angel asked.

Willow shrugged. "I don't dwell on dead things or dead people. I mean, it wasn't like Buffy vs. Dracula, where we knew Buffy would win. And it wasn't like the fight at the Initiative compound. Or that Halloween where we were trapped in the fraternity house. This year's girl, this Buffy, she just seemed defeated before she even tried."

"Willow, you're dwelling."

"Maybe a little." She shook her head. "Let's see what we can do to help Cordelia."

***

It was five hours later when Willow opened the door to the house.

"There's a new moon rising, and she was wild at heart. She attended the harvest, to get the freshly cut corn, but she had to wrap it in something blue...to take the lover's walk without a gift of some sort was frowned upon. She had faith, hope...and trick upon trick to make sure she made it to the sacred triangle. There was a hush in the air, and she whispered 'Goodbye, Iowa' softly, her heart flooded with emotion..."

Willow shut the door as softly as she could, but Tara stopped talking to the computer, looking up. "Willow! When'd you get back?"

"Just a few seconds ago," Willow said, coming up behind her and kissing her on the top of the head. "Angel left like a new man. There's some assembly required for his part of the spell, which I called the 'I In Team' spell, but Cordelia should be as good as new when he's done."

"What caused the problem?"

"The Yoko factor. The new girl, Fred, was getting all the attention, and Cordelia was starting to lose interest in her life. Serial progressive thoughts of jealousy formed, and it just continued until Cordelia started feeling hurt in order to get attention. But she wasn't faking it." Willow smiled. "Is that your novel?"

Tara nodded. "I'm calling it The Real Me In The Puppet Show. Or something like that. Maybe Checkpoint Entropy or Hells Bells, but the last one might make people think it's about a Satanist."

Willow hugged her shoulders. "What'd you and Dawn end up having for dinner?"

"We went to the Doublemeat Palace. I figure since they got that new manager there, it was safe." Tara smiled. "Dawn's in bed. Maybe we should do the same thing..."

Willow tightened her hug. "You know, I think I was made to love you."

"I think you were, too." Tara saved her novel and leaned back into Willow's embrace. "Come on, let's go to bed."

I've lived my life alone
My every step foretold
To never linger
And yet it haunts me so
What we are letting go
- The Smashing Pumpkins, "The Sacred and Profane"

***
I just need to move on. I should go to where the Powers That Be need me to go, whether it's here on Earth or someplace else. I used up my favor, I got to say some good-byes...I even got to help kick Lindsey's sorry ass. What a way to cap off a life.

But...well...there's Xander. I just left him. Feel pretty horrible about it, too, but there wasn't much to do about it, you know? And then I ran into Angel and Angel Investigation started and there was Doyle and his stupid sacrifice and his even more stupid gift...and gradually, Xander faded towards the back of my mind.

I don't know when he came back up to the front. Maybe when it really hit me that it was time to go. Yeah, I think that's right. I got to say good-bye to Angel, and I really did care about him. Wish Conner had been around so I could apologize... But I haven't said good-bye to Xander.

I guess I owe him that much.

I get an hour, as soon as I can find him. I know all about Sunnydale going buh-bye. I'd have asked to say good-bye to my family but I bet they already think I'm dead. And the others...Willow never really liked me, and neither did Buffy. Xander did, though. Xander liked...me.

So I owe him a good-bye.

***

Finally track him down. He's not even in the US anymore. I don't know exactly where we are, but it's remote.

I only have an hour...I can hear the clock ticking in my brain, counting it down. I wish it would stop; it's giving me a migraine.

"Xander?" I ask the sleeping man softly. And...he is a man. Before, where he was all gangly and scrawny, he's got muscles.

And one eye. I didn't know...wasn't prepared for that. I stroke the side of his face without the patch until his eye opens up.

"No way," he says softly, grabbing my hand. It doesn't hurt; he's just squeezing lightly, touching it, seeing that I'm really there. "You can't be."

"Can't be the Queen B?"

He smiles slightly. "You're in a coma, aren't you?"

"I was. Now...well, now I'm dead. I called in a massive favor, helped save Angel's hide and now I have to pony up and go to where I'm needed. But I wanted to say good-bye first."

Xander shook his head and sat up. I have to say, whatever work he'd been doing gave him one impressive chest. "Why?"

"Why'd I want to say good-bye?"

"No. Why'd you save Angel?"

"Let's just say...Buffy has things a bit wrong when it comes to her opinion of Angel working at the firm. He's not the bad guy. I helped get rid of a few of them before Angel lost his life."

Xander nodded. "And why are you dead?"

I laughed. I hadn't heard myself laugh in a while. "I was supposed to be dead a while ago. Doyle...you never met him...he gave me a gift, the power to see things. Except I was human and I couldn't handle it. Deals were made, etceteras etceteras and...well..."

I shrugged. I couldn't believe how he looked. "I went into a coma and by waking up to save Angel, I had to go and move on."

Xander nodded, some of it seeping in. "Why'd you say good-bye to me?"

"I knew that was coming!" I laughed again. "You were pushed back in my thoughts, but when I realized I was really going to go, I just had to say good-bye."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I just...did."

"Why can't you stay?"

"I made a promise. I can't break it."

"Why...?"

"Xander, there's so many question's you're going to ask that I just can't answer. I answered all the ones I can think of that mean anything."

She leaned over and kissed his forehead. "What happened to your eye?"

"Caleb."

"Who's he?"

"He was the henchman for The First. We destroyed them all. And Sunnydale."

"I heard."

"I'm getting used to it."

"I can see that." I paused for a moment. "Did...did it hurt?"

"Like hell."

I nodded reaching up to touch the patch, Xander flinched. "Sorry."

"I just don't let anyone touch it."

"Okay." I rested my hand on his cheek instead. "I'm...sorry. About high school."

"Forget it."

"No. I was..."

"A spoiled rotten little bitch?"

"I would have put it a bit milder, but yes, that's about what I was." I shook my head. "I never really thanked you for the prom dress."

"It's okay."

"No, it's not." I started to cry. I didn't think I'd have been able to, but I could feel the tears down my face. "I think...I think my whole life got plotted out for me, and I was supposed to be like this. And I worried too much about stupid stuff, and...I could have saved more people and hurt you less."

Xander smiled and shook his head. "If you hadn't hurt me, you wouldn't have been the Cordelia I knew and loved."

"So, you really did love me?"

"Yeah."

I knew I was down to my last five minutes; the ticking in my head just grew faster and faster, louder and louder. "Xander, I have to go soon."

"How soon?"

"Real soon. I spent so much time waiting for you to wake up..." I leaned in and gave him a real kiss. "Say good-bye to the Scoobies for me."

"I will."

"And...I'll wait for you. Anya and I can fight about a visitation schedule while we wait."

Xander laughed and pulled Cordelia in again for a hug. "One more question?"

"I guess."

"Did you love me?"

Cordelia started to fade, right there in Xander's arms, but he could hear her whisper in his ear one word.

"Yes."

Cordelia hadn't expected Heaven to look so...busy. Apparently a lot more people had been dying than she realized. She looked around, seeing a few familiar faces...Joyce, Jonathan, Larry...

And Anya.

"So. I see someone finally did the world a favor and got rid of you," Cordelia said in way of a greeting.

Anya threw Cordelia the coldest look she could muster. "For your information, it was a some*thing,* not a some*one.*"

Cordelia shrugged. "Well, I'd hoped to see people I actually liked up here."

"And why don't you like me?"

"Do you vaguely remember a wish that sent me to a freakish universe? I may not remember all the details, but it came back in nightmares quite often."

"I was just doing my job. You *were* scorned, after all."

"Yeah, but he was still with Willow! And they were vampires! And they *killed* me!" Cordelia shouted, not caring if she raised her voice.

"Well, sorry. No guarantees." Anya shrugged and looked away towards the silver stream that was flowing by. "Huh. Take a look."

Cordelia looked at where Anya was looking and saw Xander, still smiling slightly. "I still can't believe he lost an eye," she muttered to herself.

"Yeah. Buffy wanted to rip Caleb a new one for that. So did Willow and I," Anya said.

"I would have joined in on that fight if I hadn't been...well, evil."

"Oh, and you were being snarky about me?"

Cordelia looked away. When she turned back, she was looking thoughtful. "I guess you're right."

"So if you were evil, why are you in Heaven?"

"Cosmic fuck-up. I wasn't supposed to be evil, I think."

"Ah." Anya turned back to the stream. "Anyone you want to check in on?"

"Angel," she said, and then his image appeared. He was sleeping in his room at the law firm, tossing and turning. She shook her head. "A nightmare."

"I thought vampires didn't have nightmares."

"He's had them before."

"You two were really close?"

"Yeah, I guess. Though I really screwed him over."

"How?"

"Slept with his son, got pregnant, unleashed an evil that wanted world peace at the cost of human sacrifices..."

Anya whistled. "You really were evil."

"Yeah. But like I said, I don't think I was supposed to be. Or maybe I was, but the good stuff I did outweighed the bad. Who knows?" She continued to watch Angel. "Man, whatever he's dreaming about must be pretty bad."

"Yeah," Anya said. "Bet you he's seeing the end of the world."

"Why do you think that?"

"Didn't we all dream about the end of the world?"

"Good point." Cordelia turned away. "So..."

"Yeah."

"I think Xander would get a kick out of seeing us up here."

Anya smiled. "I think so too."

"I wonder what's going to happen when he dies."

"He's going to come here, of course. If Heaven took us, they're definitely taking him." Anya cocked her head slightly. "Though maybe we should set up a visitation schedule. You know, so we can spend equal time with him."

"Anya?"

"Yeah?"

"He's still alive. There's a chance he'll get into another relationship. He's too nice of a guy to be alone for the rest of his life."

"Maybe he'll go into the ministry or something where he'll have to take a vow of celibacy."

"Are you sure you weren't whacked in the head before you died?"

"I was almost sliced in half."

"Close enough." Cordelia sighed. "How about I get a week, then you get a week? That way, if he gets into another important relationship, we can just rotate his other significant other into the mix."

"I was thinking of an every other day thing."

"Did you miss the part about in case he moves on?"

"So? She can share with us."

Cordelia rolled her eyes and laid back. "Anya...this is going to be a long debate. We may not even come to a decision before he dies. Let's do it weekly."

"Daily."

"Weekly!"

"Daily!"

"WEEKLY!"

"DAILY!"

"WEEKLYWEEKLYWEEKLY!"

Anya glared at the brunette in front of her. "You...evil..."

"Don't even go there. We could always go to God and get a decision, you know."

Anya quickly shook her head. "Weekly, I'll do weekly."

"Why the sudden change?"

"*You* try talking to a God. It's not fun." Anya crossed her arms. "Especially when he sends you to an angel to settle the matter. The angels around here are tired of me."

"I don't even want to know why," Cordelia said, shutting her eyes. "Some things are better left unsaid."